First dated June 12, 2001
Last updated Monday, 11-Jul-2005 17:55:47 CDT
Conservatives endlessly pine away for a past that never was. Liberals long for a future that will never be.
I've been seeing the acronym M.S.M. being used more often. At first I thought is stood for MainStream Media, but now I think it's for Misleading Sycophant Media or, at least, I can't see any difference between the two.
Dishonorable discharge=Military euphemism for having to leave the service for being gay.
If you have to tell people you are a celebrity, then you're not one. Got it John Baselow?
Ever tried to look something up on the internet and not find anything about it? That's your chance to have whatever you make up become the popular misconception. Who says technology isn't great?
Did you ever notice that the knot on one shoe was loose and so you bend down to tighten it, but after taking a few steps notice that now the other shoe feels loose?
Antaganostic - Belief that other people have no fuckin' clue about whether or not there is a god.
[phone rings] "Hello." "Hi. This is your mother speaking." "Oh, I'm glad you told me since I often wake up in the middle of the night with the fear that someone sounding exactly like you will steal your cell phone, call me, and I will unwittingly divulge some horribly embarrassing personal secret." "OK, so what are you doing right now." "I don't think I want to say."
mob: a large or disorderly crowd.
smart mob: a large gathering of nerds online.
flash mob: a large gathering of nerds offline.
king mob: a larger than life stoner geek action hero.
Is shopping for Christmas so hard that we need to see commercials for it already? It's November 8th! Where are the commercials for stuffing your face, murdering the natives, and stealing their land? Oh, yeah. I forgot about Iraq. HO HO HO!
For those mourning the loss of more Arny movies, can't you smell what The Rock (better then MR. S ever was) is cooking?
To be a cat is to always strive to sit upon the highest piece of furniture in the room. Why? Because it's there. Those wimpy mountain climbers don't have to jump from the Lazyboy to the China hutch and avoid knocking over knick-knacks on the summit.
I want to kill the fly with the swatter, but the bastard keeps landing on my hand and I keep missing. I think he's doing it on purpose.
I was talking with a friend about the California Governor recall and he mentioned that the porn star that's running proposed a tax on breast implants and I said, "Well, that's her answer to the flat tax."
Many wait for the second coming. Personally, I've lost count.
Why do people talk about how much they hate murderers, rapists, and telemarketers? Do they think we suspect they secretly like Ted Bundy unless they speak out against him? And is it immoral to ask the person that called to sell me long distance phone service if I can continue to masterbate while they tell me about how I can save a buck or two?
I'm thinking about writing a book on blogging books about bloggers blogging about the books about them and calling it "Tuna Blanket Bingo."
Reliable sources have informed me that the new Jewel song that has been infesting certain radio frequencies is baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad. It's seems only a matter of time before she channels the likes of Right Said Fred and Christina Aguilera into "I'm too Dirrty." In seemingly unrelated news, Celine Dion is now appearing at the Zombie Jamboree.
Would it to be wrong to read aloud a book based on a silent movie?
"Last week, in a little-noticed decision, the U.S. Court of Appeals for the 5th Circuit made it easier to attack the trappings of rave culture in the name of fighting drug use. The court overturned a federal judge's injunction blocking enforcement of a plea agreement provision that barred pacifiers, masks, and "objects that glow" from the State Palace Theater in New Orleans." -JACOB SULLUM, HIT AND RUN
So I'm thinking...poor Rudolph won't be invited to any reindeer Raves.
Weblogging is a favorite topic of those that have nothing to say.
I'm losing hope in a Segway-powered future.
Life is a test that's open heart. It requires no study, for you come included with every part.
I think my ass is getting smarter, but I'm not too sexy for it.
I dreamed on was on the Senate floor talking about my growth package, but I don't know anything about economics and I was naked except for a yellow ribbon tied 'round what I was talking about.
Despite no specific threat the national alert level has been raised to Orange. When asked why Tom Ridge offered, "What's wrong with orange? Doesn't it feel orange to you? I don't see what you have against orange." I feel blue.
I finally got around to reading that Slashdot Q&A with Warren Ellis. Here is the thing in a nutshell. Rabid Slashdotter: "Why did you write X?" Ellis: "I really just sat down and made shit up" This is why Warren is so loved.
When you are the enemy of power, your only weapon is truth.
I believe in infinite mystery.
The price of your freedom to speak is the freedom of others to respond.
Attention FARKERS: "Hilarity ensues"and "France Surrenders" are no longer funny. Find a new joke!
Writing fiction is a way to give funny names to the voices in your head and then have them do stupid stuff so they get pissy and leave you alone long enough for a few rounds of Counterstrike.
How is it possible in this country that a 'free speech zone' is not more offensive than the free speech that might occur outside of it?
It requires more effort to be famous than infamous.
It's rude of celebrities to speak out against the war and the actions of the government. After all, we know that actors don't know anything about these things. No actor could be as smart as a president!
Better to be embed than to be dead.
Is it the narcoleptics that hang Native American dream-catchers from their rear view mirrors? I never imaged there were that many of them on the road. Buckle up out there!
I was thinking that if people can donate $10,000 so some blogger can go to Iraq and possibly get wasted, why not donate half that to me and I can go to the pub and definitely get wasted!
If our society is spiritually bankrupt, should we start a collection for the unconscious? For only $25 you can sponsor your own Archetype!
I keep hearing how Japan's cellphones are so much more advanced than what we have here, but they are nothing more than bad vibrators you can talk to. Maybe we should give a vibrator internet access and make them compatible with all sorts of plug-ins, pop-ups, and skins. Let's do this convergence BUZZ-word baby!
My bad! CNN stands for
CIA Network News Censor Negative News.
Sorry, bucko! All puns are intended.
I call my homeland Earth. The problem is when people think it's someplace more specific.
I know how they are going to fund the next war. Pay-Per-View
"You can't teach an old dog new tricks" is a lie perpetuated by the lazy.
John's Law: All content is questionable.
I Freedom kiss you!
I cry more than the average Virgin Mary statue and less than the average Oprah audience member.
Not only can I not see the glass as half full; I can't see the glass, even with my glasses.
I touched God today. She's it.
Dirty bomb = radioactive material detonated by a small explosive. Dirrty bomb = pop material elevated by small minds.
On vacation I saw my first Publix. I must have a dirty mind from the way I thought it was pronounced.
I was all excited about carbon dating, but they were all such fossils.
No economic system yet conceived can trump Man's capacity for corruption.
The greatest tragedy of humanity is all our works endlessly played to the perpetually divine indifference.
First it was Alyssa Milano and now Jaime Pressly has done some of those crappy 1800collect commercials. Once Drew Barrymore does hers the Poison Ivy trilogy shall be complete. I can at least hope it will.
If Jimmy Buffet was French, would he be working in the food service industry - flipping cheesburgers and mixing margaritas?
Anna Nicole Smith and Michael Jackson need to do an unreality show for us: a freak show fight to the death.
Unless every country gets nuclear weapons, how can we get a proper Armageddon? Free Markets means Free Nukes! Now available in Deterrent Yellow!
I don't understand how people can rant on their websites about the absurdity of celebrities voicing opinions. They must be irony impaired.
CNN stands for CIA Network News.
The only thing that is inevitable is change.
All matter has the quality of mass. Therefore, all weapons are "weapons of mass destruction". However, due to the law of conservation of matter, weapons can't destroy mass. Maybe they are weapons of mass dispersion?
Modus operandi: The diligent pursuit of modern heresy.
How is liberty protected by restricting it?
There is no I in team, but there is me. There is ate, eat, and mate too. You can have meat and tea. I'd like some green tea.
The best things in life are inflatable or require batteries.
I want to run a cheese factory on the moon.
Women's emotions are immersed in practicality and men's practicality is immersed in emotion. Or is it the other way around? Can you double dip?
Political Labels are for identifying certain delusions in a person.
Credit Card companies must have a different definition of the term "pre-approved."
When physicists uncover all the secrets of the universe they will cease to exist.
He was so obscure-as if talking forever in footnotes, without a body of connective context.
Joining a political party is like joining a street gang. You gain the power of numbers to compensate your weakness of individual will.
Well Saddam got 100% of the vote and he would like to thank the State of Florida for use of their voting machines.
I reserve the right to change my mind often until I'm old enough where I can't remember how and die from the slow poison of idea stagnation.
What need for Hell if everyone went to Heaven and knew what everyone else had done on Earth?
I practice random acts of punctuation.
I never imagined how long it would take to learn patience.
If the economy gets any worse, we'll have to use hypolinks on our prefered glimpsers.
Counterstrike banter: "OK everyone rush left this time!", "You had me at 'rush.'"
Everyone knows that after inventing the Internet, Gore started the webloging movement.
When are we going to see that dictionary with all the pictures of people for words like "gullible?"
The son of the invisible women, sad to never see his mother's face was at least glad to have had a womb with a view.
At some point Hollywood got rid of the word "actress" and I suggest we get rid of "waitress" to keep their day job consistent. What do you call a male mistress, misteress?
Thanks to my Governor, Ryan, Feb. 6 is Ronald Reagan Day in Illinois. To help Reagan remember we made it on his birthday.
Macs users operate in a Microsoft-approved fantasy land. As a former member of the Amiga user fantasy land, I understand the lure and pathos. I decided that I like better, cheaper hardware and tons of software. I can even revisit my OS through emulation. Macs are a fashion statement and Linux is the hardcore version that puts them to shame.
It's no surprise that the latest 3D engine from Id software is the most advanced of its kind. It's also no surprise that it's bundled with a game featuring the least innovative gameplay since Doom.
The greatest competition is making better what you are today to what you were yesterday.
It becomes more and more clear that the FBI dropped the ball on 9/11. We see how big a gap we have in the "human intelligence" area and we decide to extend the powers and duties of this organization. So the message to the FBI is don't screw up or we'll have to give you guys more money and power. That'll teach em! One more time and you get the keys to the White House!
Throughout history people have been more afraid of sex than of anything else. Why else would 'Fuck' be such a bad word?
I heard that some Church thanked God GWB came into office to lead our nation through this crisis and bring swift victory in Afghanistan. They remarked "Imagine if Gore had been in office?" It makes me wonder if under Gore our Army would have to use Democratic Dummy Bullets and Little Effect Liberal Bombs.
A brand is a veil that trades reality for vanity and promises status via possession.
The GDP report for first quarter 2002 is marvelously unencumbered by reality.
The only thing definite about the future of sex is that it will always be in demand.
From the producers of Election 2000 comes a remake of the 1953 classic, Iran a Coup. A tale where you have to ignore the elections because it's Venezuela: I can't believe it's not a Democracy.
Your mind has a mind of its own.
discomboobulate = distinctly female situation of uncomfort. See male equivalent Dickestablishbadorientation
I heard someone on CNN say that Sharon did a partial pullout. It doesn't work with my girlfriend and it won't work for you either, Sharon.
The Clinton and Bush administrations want to keep sex under wraps, but for different reasons.
I would like to see a poll on how many people lie when answering polls.
Celwebrity = A person from an online community that has achieved a large degree of fame, but the recognition is exclusive to people online. Think of Elmer Fudd or the priest from The Princess Bride for the proper accent in pronunciation.
Is it possible to have a great depression?
Does it irk the Moro Islamic Liberation Front that their acronym is out-ranked in google by the short MILF scene in American Pie?
There is a Smirnoff Ice commercial where a guy slashes two of his tires after he arrives at a party in an attempt to prevent himself from drinking and driving. Would it not be cheaper to just call a cab?
We need to create more jobs. Let's hire people to give official names to all the colors computers can produce. It'll be the artistic equivalent to mapping the human genome.
My distaste of commercial graffiti caused me to alter the logo of my The North Face jacket to read "No Face", but I lack the dedication to do it to the one on the back. Crass commercialism has worn me down! Woe is me.
Fox news is really into those phone-in polls, but does anyone really care about the views of people that would spend 75 cents just to give their own opinion? What about those that would spend 10 bucks a month to rant about things on their own website?
Are olives sensitive about their dimunitive nature? Gigantic, Colossal, jumbo...you won't find women's clothing adopting this scheme for naming sizes.
There are so many shapes, sizes, and colors of condoms now that I feel compelled to demand condom fitting rooms stocked with appropriate 'fitting aids.'
America Strikes Back. Does that mean that in a couple of years we are going to see Return of the Jihad? Was Osama the Phantom Menace? When we kill him will we face the Attack of the Clones? Where is this New Hope?
I'd like to kill the "which X are you?" internet quiz meme that pops up every month or so. BTW, I'm R2D2.
Subway: the freshest bland bread you've ever had!
Alan Moore's TOP TEN #12 is so good. One panel cracked me up in particular:
Irma: Heh. You know you AIs are almost too cute. How do I unplug you when you take over the world?
Joe: Ask me the purpose of existence, and I explode.
The Emmy awards were cancelled on this 7th day of October. The attack on Afghanistan has made such a thing seem trivial. I'd like to welcome the Emmy's to reality.
Starting a new life would be a lot easier without having to pay off the debts from the last one.
$19.95 is the magic number of commercial ads. If it's more than that, try x easy payments of just $19.95! If it's less, they'll throw in more crap until it's $19.95. Why? Why? WHY!?
"Thinking and hoping." Shot after shot of a boy on a bus looking into a brown paper bag. Each time he gives a sour expression. Finally, his eyes light up and he reaches into the bag. He cheers as he raises a Lunchables box above his head. Yeah, his mother shows more love buying that pre-packaged processed junk food than spending the time to make him something. No shame.
In light of the current needs of national security, I think Victoria's Secret needs to come forward with whatever it is they're hiding.
Upon achieving true individuality you will mark yourself as forevermore being completely statistically insignificant.
It's nice that Mc Donalds is not counting anymore, but now their "Billions and billions served" sign makes a mental connection with Carl Sagan. That's not right.
A some level the conflict in the Middle East is of two cultures claiming one holy land, but they got it wrong. There is a holy land though. It's called Earth.
I'm waiting for those Affirmative Action folks to crack down on Santa and this Elf business.
I have the feeling that the ABC show Alias is trying to appeal to fans of the red headed, ass kicking Lee Lu from The 5th Element with a bit of La Femme Nikita. It's the Bannana-Strawberry-Orange juice drink logic applied to TV shows.
My goal in life is to find someone without an opinion or an asshole.
I have this thing of monitor wipes. It looks so much like a thing of baby wipes that every time I use them I go, "Someone made a messy wessy. There we go. Who's got a clean monitor? You're so clean. Yes you are! Yeeess you are!"
Palookatheorem: A theorem developed during a fight. i.e. Rocky's had a palookatheorem about letting the other guy keep hitting him in order to wear him out.
Be proactive. Hate life more than life hates you. Suicide? Sorry, life you are going to have to kill me!
Dialogue never heard: "Frankly Frank I don't think she was being frank about ferret fur's rank for rank odor."
Don't yell "Apocalypse!" in a crowded church.
My reality check bounced.
No one knows what time is, but they keep asking each other. Hope dies hard.
The problem with the show That's My Bush is not that it's not that funny, but that after thirty minutes it's over and I think about how much longer I have to wait for GWB's term to end.
If you were a virus, what would your symptoms be?
There are limits to the versatility of things. Most paper comes from wood, but vellum is typically from lambskin. Sheep's wool is typically made into clothing, but wood is not, because people are careless with lighters. Hemp can be made into paper or clothing, but people with lighters can not get high from it.
Why do we have hate crime laws? Doesn't everyone hate crime?
Everytime I try and draw my own conclusion it ends up looking like a mad cow.
I'm at the point where I click past my computer's "...are you sure?" prompts automactically. I have become conditioned to lie to my computer. A computer operates in a world of certainty. I do not.
When I get Knighted I will change my Last name to Real. My coat of arms shall display the signs and gestures of all of the most violent gangs of the world and people in ghettos the world over shall point at me and say "Sir Real is him!"
They said Heavy Metal Music tells people to kill themselves, but listening to Christian Rock Music could easily drive me to suicide.
When thinking about the world it can bring me to tears. Sometimes those tears are not of joy.
It's Summer Solstice and Mars is only 44 million miles away, the closest its been in 13 years. In 13 days it will be July 4th, Independence Day. Mars is the 4th planet. A baker's dozen is 13. Numerology is half-baked!
Do people become "sick and tired" all at once? Do they become so tired of something that they are sick of it or do they tire of being sick of something?
The military reduced the amount of times their broken clocks are correct by 50%.
It's no accident that insurance lawyers would support the ban on the use of the word "accident."
When someone begins with the phrase, "To tell you the truth," does that mean they usually lie? If so, then why should you trust they're not lying about telling the truth this time?
You can acquire an attention deficit by failing to pay no mind to someone whose interest rate exceeds its value.
Only when writing your suicide note can writer's block save your life.
Be fruitful and multiply? I see a lot of vegetating and division.
The "door close" button on an elevator is pure psychological placation.
J Lo. J Ko. J Na? Nah.
Someday aliens will send us back a signal, a busy signal. That's why call-waiting should not cost extra.
After all those years, I finally found out that TASER stands for Tom A. Swift's Electric Rifle. "A" WHAT!!!
If a dote touches an antidote, will they annihilate each other? I hope so.